Eurovision Revision

Found this on someone's blog. Missed ESC myself so needed a proper account of the show.

Tonight, I am drinking: Cider

20.02: What the shit is this? Guys in grey clothes and corpse paint prancing around the stage. Cirque de Soleil. Weren’t they in an episode of CSI? Oooh, look, a unicycle. Where are the songs? Wooh, some Samoan twirling fire. WHERE ARE THE FUCKING SONGS?

20:05: Graham Norton: “This is genius, I just love this.” Yeah? Well, Terry would have been taking the piss. I miss Terry. Tonight’s going to suck.

20:10: Finally, some music. Last year’s winner from Russia. Don’t remember it from last year, but it sounds like the kind of shit the winner from American Idol would churn out as their victory single.

20:12: Here come the hosts. Please don’t do the usual flirty thing – she’s way hotter than him and it would just look ridiculous. Y’know, just like it does every year.

20:13: 25 songs? Sheeeeit.

20:14: Lithuania. Kid’s been watching American Idol and picked the look of the kid who got hoofed off a couple of weeks ago. What’s with the hat? And those fucking sideburns.

20:16: Jesus, that’s one skinny little shit. I could spit at him and snap bones. Nice enough song though. A little tedious, maybe.

20:18: Israel. An Israeli Jew and an Israeli Arab in a plea for understanding and unity and shit. Ironically, it’s making me want to go out and kill.

20:22: France. Fuck ‘em. She's either about to cry or she’s doped up on some shit ‘cos her eyes look like pissholes in the snow. Also, James just woke up and cried while this song was playing and if you can get that kinda reaction from an 18 month old then you deserve to lose.

20:26: Sweden. It’s like Ulrika Johnson put on a few pounds and started singing Opera over a Kylie b-side.

20:29: Croatia. Sounding oddly Spanish.

20:33: Portugal. Starts off sounding a bit Green Day-ish (Good Riddance, Time of your Life) then in comes the accordion and ruins everything. Chorus sounds familiar and now I’m going to spend the rest of the night trying to figure out what it reminds me of until I either remember in a moment of inspiration or get drunk enough to forget about caring.

20:38: Iceland. Fuck me, she’s wearing a dress that looks like it’s been stolen from a Disney princess. Pleasant enough song. I won’t be rushing out to buy it, though. Mind you, I won’t be rushing to illegally download the MP3 for free, either. In conclusion: fuck Iceland.

20:42: Greece. This guy seems to have learnt how to dance from repeatedly watching Hugh Grant in Music & Lyrics. Also, the gayest song of the night so far.

20:54: Went for a cigarette and to get the alcohol (Booze! Yay!) so only caught 30 seconds of Armenia (don’t think I missed much) and completely missed some bird from Russia wearing a pair of curtains. Got back to catch half of Azerbaijan. Tribal drums, repetitive chorus, usual Euro blah blah blah.

20:57: Bosnia & Herzegovna. There’s a guitarist playing but I can’t actually hear any guitar. How odd. Also, they look like they’ve tried to style themselves on a white version of My Chemical Romance’s outfits from the Black Parade video. Also, these guys have supported The Rolling Stones? WHY?! Is there that few bands in B&H that actually rock?

21:01: Moldova. I love these countries that send their singers out in traditional costumes. Next year, we should send some Morris Dancers, some Pearly Kings and Queens and a couple of Geordies with their shirts off. Weirdly, I quite like this one. It helps that it sounds like the girl is singing “I’m a whore-a from Moldova.” Nice.

21:05: Graham Norton is beginning to get on my tits. Bring back Terry. NOW.

21.06: Malta. Oh, Graham, you’re such a funny fucker. She’s a larger lass and you’ve made a joke about her never having met a Malteser she didn’t like it. Geddit? Malteser, ‘cos she’s Maltese and Maltesers are chocolates? Ha fucking ha. Kindly FOAD. Oh, the song? Sucks balls. Oh, another unfunny fat joke. I want to stab Graham in the eye with a rusty spoon.

21:09: Estonia. They’ve hired Bond, taught one of them how to sing, then put them in co-ordinated outfits. Seriously, it’s like one of those modern classic videos you’d catch on the O Channel. Except I wouldn’t, because I mainly watch Scuzz.

21:13: Denmark. Apparently, this song was written by Ronan Keating from Boyzone and it’s being performed by a guy who could probably make a decent living as a Ronan Keating tribute act. Ironically, Ireland failed to make it through to the finals this year, for the second year on the bounce. Note to Ireland: next year, get Ronan to write and sing for you. You might get somewhere.

21:17: Germany. Imagine Ricky Martin covering Mambo No. 5 while accompanied by a couple of birds dressed as the blonde from ‘Allo ‘Allo. But they have Dita Von Teese with them so, y’know, I’ll forgive them.

21:21: Turkey. I didn’t know Shakira was Turkish.

21:25: Albania. WTF?

21:28: Norway. Ok, so that line about wanting to slap the singer was quite amusing but I still want Terry back, dammit. Holy shit, this is the favourite? This sucks donkey dick. Is this kid even old enough to shave? Oh, and his eyebrows have me convinced that he’s a werewolf. I hope its not a full moon in Moscow tonight, otherwise people are going to have to keep off the moors.

21:32: Ukraine. OK, now beating Greece for gayest song of the night. The singer looks like a trap and he/she’s been accompanied by three guys in cast-off Gladiator outfits.

21:37: Romania, and me and the wife are getting into conspiracy theories about the mysterious girl in blue at the back with the mic. My theory? She’s a backing singer.

21:40: United Kingdom. And we’re singing another winner’s song from American Idol. Sadly, a shit one. We deserve nul points after this. In conclusion, fuck Lloyd Webber.

21:46: Finland. I want this to win. This rocks. Srsly. FINLAND FTW.

21:48: Shut up, Norton, I liked that. Again, Finland FTW.

21:49: Spain. With a song written by some Swedes. Being sung by the chick from Transporter 2, apparently. She should have brought some guns along with her, it would have made it more entertaining than this sub-par Holly Vallance effort. Or just had Jason Statham come on stage and kicked the living shit out of a bunch of d00ds for 5 minutes. I’d have voted for that. Srsly, Finland FTW.

P.S.:So, Norway have won by a record number of points with a song that isn't, like, good while the UK came 5th with a song which, frankly, reeked of shit. Finland, on the other hand, came stone cold last. The lesson to be learnt from this is, I guess, that next year we have to send the shittiest act we can find. Bombalarina for the win!