Friday Gallery: A Feeling

When you get home from work and your baby boy says "mamama" and wants you to pick him up right away and starts crying if you delay it more than a second because you need to take your coat off.  When you've been missing him all day and he shows with his whole body that he's been longing for you too. When you see that wonderful smile for the first time in eight hours. That feeling.

Channal has been our hostess this month. Next month is Annika's and will be all about Christmas! 

Last Thursday in November

• I found out today that I have a secretary at work. Just three months after I started haha :)  I of course knew that we have a few secretaries/assistants in the unit and I recall now that at some point I received an email with list of responsibilities for these colleagues and that one of them is working mainly for me and a couple of other colleagues.  But I had assumed that they were more working on administrative tasks given to them directly by the Head and the Deputy Head of Unit, and hadn't realised I could actually give them tasks or ask for help.  I'm so used to having to do everything myself from my previous job.  So for example, "my" (i.e. not just mine, I share him with several colleagues) secretary will book my flights for the business trip I'm doing next week and take care of all the related admin.
• I have lots of work at the moment.  Many briefings to write and also many conference and seminars to attend this time of the year.  And a fair share of training courses as well (though some sessions are perhaps only two hours long).  Luckily I haven't had to work that many extra hours (and I have flexitime so if I work longer one day I can leave earlier the next day, or accumulate and take half or a full day the following month) but it is hectic when I'm at work, and I also feel quite tired, especially this week. 
• Next week I'll be going on a business trip to Malmö and Lund in Southern Sweden for a day of meetings and study visits.  One of the briefings I've been working on is for this visit actually.  Luckily it is only for a day as my mum arrives that very evening.  
• Yesterday I went to my first after work drink since I got here. Well, that's not completely true as I've been out after work when a friend from Sweden was here for work, but this was the first proper AW with colleagues from the training course I went on in October.  I was home by 9om today as I felt a bit bad for Peter who's had a couple weeks of sick kids to take care of and has hardly been out of the house.
• And this week Peter has had both kids at home yet again, as Isolde came down with fever on Monday. It was really high, 40.7 at some point, which is probably a record for her, but Tuesday it was all gone. She stayed home Wednesday too though since it's a half-day anyway and she hadn't slept very well Tuesday night. Today was a school day and she was excited about going back. Harald is still coughing quite a lot at night and his node gets blocked but during the days he's fine and his appetite and good mood are back. 
• When Isolde had that high fever we gave her some paracetamol I bought here.  My that was some strong stuff!  I bought the kind appropriate or her weight (she weighs almost 12 kg), for 10-20 kg, which is 200 mg of paracetamol here, but in Sweden the strength for 10-15 kg is 125 mg.  We gave it to her just before bedtime, and it started working right away with the result that she didn't want to go to sleep.  After having been up for a while with us she fell asleep in our bed.  An hour or so later when we were going to bed we realised she was all wet because she had peed so much (fortunately she's still wearing nappies at night) and it had leaked in the front to her nightgown and onto our covers.  And when we took her temperature she only had 36.5.  It's like she peed the fever away instead of cold sweating.  Maybe it would have happened anyway but it feels like it was the paracetamol that did it.  Next morning she had normal temperature and the fever didn't return so I guess it was just some quick thing (or those paracetamol really scared whatever it was away for good!).
• My friend H. visited last weekend from Saturday to Sunday evening.  Saturday, after lunch she and I took a stroll around our neighbour and town centre (Stockel - Place Dumon).  It was fun for me to check out the shops, as I have hardly had the chance to do so since we moved here.  Afterwards all of us headed over to our friends Chris & Jacqui for fika (they know H. as well) and in the evening H. and I went out for dinner at one of the neighbourhood brasseries.  Actually my first evening meal out since we moved here.  On Sunday H. and I attempted to do some more shopping at a members-only outlet that P. invited me to.  We each bought one Christmas present, but then later when we were going to buy some more, the queues were so long (popular shop, especially since otherwise shops are closed on Sundays in Belgium) and we had to be back at a certain time in order to go and visit a friend of H.'s.  So I will have to go back this weekend to buy what I had picked out - hopefully I can still find the right sizes.  It was nice - mysigt - to have H. over and I hope she comes back soon (but before that we'll see each other in Sweden at Christmas), both on her own and with her family.
• In terms of other visits, I'm looking forward to my mum visiting next weekend, and we're also planning for my friend Jenny's visit together with her family in mid-end January.  Jenny normally lives in Brazil with her Brazilian fiancé and their daughter but she has just arrived in Sweden to spend three months there (so I will see her at Christmas too I hope).  Will be great to have them here next year!
• Isolde and I made some advent preparations earlier in the week and I will put up our advent lights tomorrow night or Saturday so we're ready for Sunday.  Last Friday we also bought a wreath for the door and an old-fashioned advent calendar at the Christmas bazar at the Swedish church. 
• By the way, before we went to the bazar last Friday we met my cousin Fredrik who's was in town on a very brief visit after a business trip to other parts of Belgium.  After a short tour of Grand Place and Mannekin Pis, we went to a very classic Brussels place, Le Cirio, for some food and drink.  This place was actually very child-friendly and we had no problems taking the pram inside and there was even a changing station in the toilets.  It was fun to catch up with Fredrik and we hope to see him too here again in the near future, hopefully with his family.

 

Christmas Gift Swap!

It's finally time for the annual Christmas gift exchange!  Emma is our coordinator as usual.  Visit her blog for more details, but just in case you're not a Swedish speaker (and you certainly don't need to be Swedish to participate), here are the instructions in English:

All participants will receive and give a present to someone still unknown... Email [Emma] at rappapiraya@hotmail.com by 1 December and provide your address, blog url (if you have a blog - not required), tre things you like and three things that are not you.  You will then receive an email back with name and address to a person to whom you should send a wrapped present (new and not used - but I think regifting is fine) and a Christmas card.  You will be provided information about things that person wish for / like / don't like and you are free to send something you think will be appropriate!  The value should be around 100 SEK (10 euros) and you should try to post it by 7 December.

It's really fun both to pick out something for the recipient, also to wait for a package from your own Secret Santa!

Friday Gallery: Portraits in Black and White

Friday again and time for the Gallery.  Channal is our hostess still and her topics for this week is portraits in black and white.  I don't have that many photos in black and white and even fewer portraits in black and white, but I did find these among my hundreds of folders.

Moi at age 2 or 3 (and I have shown this picture before)

Me in London in 1998.  When I still had three piercings in each ear haha.

Taken by one of those beach photographers that nag you to have your photo taken, south of France in, summer of 2000

Taken and also developed by my friend Åsa, unknown year, but early 2000s



Also taken by Åsa, of me with Harald in February of this year

Thursday Again??

• How is it already Thursday?!  Time is really flying and sometimes I feel like I only do half of what I want to get done.  On the other hand I'm not the kind of person who gets stressed.  It will all be fine in the end.  No use worrying.  That's my mantra.
• Isolde is well again except for a persistent cough, and has been at preschool all week, but Harald has been very miserable, poor thing.  He doesn't have any fever anymore, or very little, but his nose is still very clogged up and he coughs a lot, so he will probably need another few days to get well.  None of us have been sleeping very well since last weekend, and this week I have only slept 4-5 hours per night *yawn*.  Can't wait for the weekend to come so that I at least don't have to get up at 7am and go to work.  I have also started coughing a little bit, and my throat is a bit sore, but hopefully I won't get it bad, fingers crossed.
• Tomorrow we're hoping to meet up with one of my cousins who's in town on business, depending on his schedule.  We plan to have fika in the afternoon somewhere in town, and afterwards, when he has to head to the airport, we will go to the Swedish church's annual Christmas market.  Looking forward to it!  A bit of a start to the holiday season!
• Almost every day on my way to one of the lunch places I pass two beggars.  At least one of them is Roma, a woman who sometimes has her baby with her, and the other one is an old man, maybe also Roma?  I never give them any money, as I'd rather help in some other way through an organisation (or if I would give them something directly, perhaps some clothes or items for the baby), but I feel sorry for them and I feel bad every time I pass by without doing anything.  I really hope that the Belgian authorities could do more for them.  In Sweden they are not allowed to beg accompanied by their children; if so the authorities steps in and remove the children, which perhaps helps, at least the children and hopefully also the parents (but I'm not at all an expert on this issue). 
• I'm very disappointed in the level of recycling here in Belgium.  For some reason I thought it was one of the more advanced countries, and as all is relative perhaps they really are, but compared to Sweden they are well behind (and apparently Belgium didn't even have a functioning waste water system until the mid-2000s...).  In Sweden we can recycle most plastic (and in soft/light plastic bags and covering where my parents live) but here it is only plastic bottles or other drink containers.  So plastic boxes/hard packaging for minced meat for example is a no but I assume a schampoo bottle is a yes, even though it is not a drinkable fluid.  Also, there is so much packaging still in this country!  Toothpaste comes in a paper carton.  Same with a tube with tomato paste.  Teabags are always individually wrapped, and often in plastic, not paper.  All bisquits and cookies come with several layers of packaging (but we have noticed that it has benefits - the humidity in this country makes cookies go soft very quickly otherwise.  I could go on but I think you get the gist of it.  At least most paper and metal can be recycled.
• We are starting to plan our two weeks in Sweden at Christmas!  So far we have New Year's Eve planned, and a brunch with my group of girlfriends (childhood friends) and their families on the agenda, and an appointment with the Swedish children's health centre (BVC) booked (3-year-old check-up for Isolde and regular check-up for Harald).  I also need to book a hair salon appointment and I also want to use some gift vouchers at a beauty salon near our Stockholm flat.  Peter and I are also planning to have either set of grandparents babysit for a day so we can go to Raison d'Etre spa (at Grand hotel, best spa in town!) and to a restaurant for dinner.  We may also take Isolde for her 3-year-old dentist check-up (first ever dentist appointment!), but it could also wait until our next home visit in March or April.  And then there is Christmas and hanging out with family of course.  And see more friends.  Can't wait!
• But before then I'm looking forward to my dear friend H. visiting this weekend!  She's coming on Saturday and in the evening we're going out for dinner, something I haven't done since we moved here!  The rest of the weekend is not planned yet, but suffice to say it will contain eating and drinking, talking, seeing some other friends, maybe doing some shopping (I need to start my Christmas shopping soon).

At a Canteen in Brussels...

The other day when I went to have lunch in one of the work canteens I was a few minutes early, as I arrived directly from a meeting.  It was 11:55 and the canteens normally open at 12 noon.  I arrived at the same time as two other colleagues (whom I don't know but I call them colleagues here) and we start picking up trays and cutlery by the entrance. 

11:55
Canteen lady 1 [calling out]: "Midi, midi" (she means "we open at 12 noon")
Colleagues: "Yes, we know." [muttering about the service and rigid time-keeping]

11:57
[Female colleague goes up to the self-service sallad buffet]
Canteen lady 1: "Madame, madame, midi!"
Female colleague: "Yes, I know, I'm just looking."
[Canteen lady 1 says something more in French, presumably again about the time, resulting in female colleague returning to the entrance (5 metres away)]

Meanwhile more colleagues have arrived and started to queue up behind us.

11:59
Canteen lady 2: "Midi, midi!"
[Colleagues mutter]

12:00
Canteen guy 1: "Bon appétit!" [making welcoming gestures with hands]


I can understand that they don't want people to make a habit of arriving 10-15 minutes early, but a few minutes early??  3 minutes??  They were all ready by the looks of it, already manning their respective food stations.  And even if they would still be getting the last bits ready (removing lids from pots or what have you), they could at least let colleagues start taking from the sallad buffet, as it is self-service anyway.  Or at least let people enter the room for god's sake.

I don't know if it's due to work regulations or a very high time consciousness, or the usual lack of service-mindedness in this country (sorry, but it is true), but whatever the reason, they could at least have been a bit friendly instead of yelling at us.  If someone says "very sorry, you're a bit early and we're not completely ready, but bear with us a few minutes..." I would gladly wait until they are ready to open.

Anyway, a glimpse of working life in Brussels :)

Friday Gallery: Complementary Colours

Tricky topic Channal has chosen for today.  Complementary colours.  I remember learning in school - or maybe I read it somewhere - that the complementarity of red and green is the reason why surgeons and other medical staff (at the A&E mostly I guess) wear green clothes, so that blood won't be as visible, but I don't know if this is the only or main reason.

I looked through several albums for a good photo to illustrate today's theme, but the only photo I could find within limited time, is this one, from a market in Barcelona taken several years ago now.

November Thursday

• Peter's parents visited last weekend on route to Nice. We didn't do anything in particular except for having lunch at one of the brasseries around Place Dumon here in Stockel. On Sunday they went to a museum but we opted to wait for them at home as the weather was very interchanging, and it turned out to be a good decision because they were very disappointed with the museum visit. Turns out the Modern museum is not the size and kind it once was and all the items are in storage indefinitely. 
• We made use of the availability of babysitters last Friday and went to a surprise birthday party our friend J had put on for her husband C. He was really surprised and hadn't noticed that almost his whole office had sneaked out to get go their house before he did. J threw a surprise birthday party for C back in Sweden four years ago (that time I almost accidentally spoiled the surprise), so now we'll wait and see in which country the next surprise party will be a couple of years from now! 
• I have recovered completely from my breast infection and have had no new symptoms since last week even though I finished the antibiotics on Monday.  Fingers crossed I never get it again!  
• Isolde has been sick for a couple of days now with a cold and fever but seems to be getting better. Now Harald has a temperature though and is coughing a lot, but hopefully it's a quick thing for him too. Isolde missed school all week though, as Monday was a Belgian holiday (Armistice/Rememberance Day) and Friday is a teacher planning day, although we would probably have kept her home tomorrow anyway. 
• Last night Harald and I were over at P's for dinner (Peter and Isolde were invited too but had to stay at home due to Isolde's fever). Their friend A and daughter L were there too and all of us had a nice meal and chat. It's great having friends just next door! 
• We don't have any plans for the weekend, though I wouldn't mind checking out the Scandinavian shop in Waterloo or going to check out the members-only outlet near us, which P invited us to, but it depends on how the kids are doing.  We bought some lights for the balcony the other week so maybe we'll put them up already this weekend, even though Advent is a couple of weeks away.
• Remember I told you about all the dog poo in the streets? Today we had some in the entrance of our building when I returned from work, and someone had posted an angry note. Later this evening it had been cleaned but the note was still there, and I don't know if it was the actual culprit, the concierge or a neighbour who had cleaned it up. 
• I'm looking forward to my friend H coming to visit next weekend! 
• Brussels observation 1: Many people in Brussels put their rubbish out in the street for collection and when I walk to the metro/Isolde's school in the mornings I always see broken bags and rubbish spread out, after some animals (probably birds, but maybe also foxes or other smaller wild animals (rats??) have rummaged through them for food at night.  I guess it's convenient to have your rubbish picked up just outside the door, but not particularly pleasant for those of using sidewalks and pathways.
• Brussels observation 2: I have noticed that there seem to be few(er) overweight people here than in Sweden, which is generally quite healthy. They do love their chocolate here, including on bread in the morning, and children eat bisquits and drink chocolate (and there's even vanilla and chocolate formula!) at an early age.  While it doesn't seem to affect their waste, it can't be that great for their teeth though!

9 Months Old Today!

Where did the time go?!

Friday Gallery: Symmetry

The second theme of November, as chosen by Channal, is symmetry.  These photos may not be completely accurate for the theme, but they seemed semi-appropriate.  Last weekend when we were in England we visited my alma mater Oxford and my old college St Antony's to see the new Gateway Building.  I had been a bit sceptic about how it would fit on the premises without taking up all of the lawn and that it would look a bit of of place, but I was pleasantly surprised.  It - or actually they, as there are two buildings - melt in among the existing new(er) and old buildings and they don't take up any of the green space (though perhaps blocking some sunlight), and most importantly, they (especially the left building) hides the Hilda Beast.  I like how their positions are streamlined - and that's where I find symmetry - with the existing buildings and the glass and bronze walls.  Before there wasn't anything special about area between the original (main) building, the Hilda Besse and the grass, it was just empty pavement, but now it feels more planned and decorated, and in many ways more green than before.  The new lodge (reception in Oxford lingo) in the left of the new buildings was closed but maybe next visit we can see the buildings also from the inside, and perhaps also go to high table.

Peeking through.  Hilda Besse at the back, flanked by the new Gateway buildings.

The old original St Antony's building to the right and one of the new Gateway buildings to the left, with the Founders' Building (where I stayed for a year), down the middle at the back.

Better Thursday

• I'm finally feeling better after having developed mastitis, a breast infection, in my right breast. I've had some problems on and off for two months since I started breastfeeding less often, coinciding with me going back to work, but this time it got worse and I couldn't self-treat it. I had similar issues with Isolde after six months (though in my left breast) but never this frequent or bad. I started having a fever and headache (though I had already had a migraine since Saturday morning, which is something I get sometimes but usually not more than once monthly or every other month) on Sunday evening as we were driving back to Belgium from the UK (more on the trip below) and on Monday I had a fever of 39,6 'C. The migraine had gone away (usually lasts 2,5 days) but instead I had a really bad headache and pain in my body, especially in my legs and my neck and shoulders. If it wasn't for my swollen and painful breast I would have been sure it was a reaction from the flu jab from the week before, but I have never had a reaction from a jab before and besides, I don't think it would come four days later. Unfortunately our doctor, which we just listed with, is on holiday this week, and we weren't sure what to do in that situation, but I tried with the other doctor who shares the premises, and he was able to see me at 5pm on the Monday. He prescribed antibiotics and rest and also provided a sick leave certificate, which I need for work from the fourth sick day.
• I didn't know it then but I would take all week to get better. I still had fever Tuesday, and slight temperature yesterday, Wednesday, and the headache is finally almost gone now, Thursday evening, as is the body pain, though I still feel a bit weak. As for the breast, it wasn't until last night, Wednesday, after two full days of three pills a day plus the first dose on Monday evening, that it started feeling better. Still not normal but not aching or super tender anymore. I've only taken half of the antibiotics so I guess I couldn't really expect it to get better quicker but for a while it felt like "I'm never going to get better!".  I'm going to stay home from work tomorrow too in order to really recuperate. Also now I'm a bit worried about my left breast, which is a bit swollen, but I don't think it's inflamed or infected, rather it's due to infrequent nursing, as one of the cures for the sick breast is to use it as much as possible. One of the reasons for my problem in the first place is exactly this, infrequent breastfeeding, as I only nurse morning and evening.
• If after this ordeal is over I'm still experiencing problems, I need to seriously consider giving it up. I hope to be able to continue because the milk is still good for Harald and I really enjoy this special time with him, especially since I'm working during the day. He doesn't really like drinking from a bottle so it wouldn't really be the same feeding him porridge or something else in the evening (of course I feed him other stuff, but you know what I mean, while in my arms). So it's important for me, but not important enough to risk my health of course, especially not at the age he is now, almost 9 months. 
• But despite me having a migraine and coming down with mastitis, we had a really lovely time visiting our dear friends in England last weekend. I was there on a brief visit (literally a few hours) in December last year, but we hadn't been together all of us since Isolde was one and their daughter Imogen was two.  And since then two babies have been born (though I met their youngest Seren in December)!  We stayed at their house, four adults and four children under four, so it was, as in Kim's words "a wonderful kind of madness".  There was a mix of great play, kisses and hugs, fighting over toys and a few tears but mostly laughter and shrieks of joy.  I will post some photos from the visit later but here's a teaser.

• From this week Isolde is attending full days (08:30-15:30)  at pre-school, though this week is a bit irregular schedule-wise, as Monday she was on leave due to us returning from the UK very late Sunday evening, and Wednesdays are always half-days here.  But Tuesday and Thursday went well, including eating and sleeping, although the first day she hadn't want to sit still at mealtime - must have been exciting for her to be in the big refectory.  She really likes pre-school and every morning when she wakes up, even at the weekend, she ask whether she's going to "skolan"?  Hope it continues that way!
• Tomorrow Peter's parents are coming to visit for the weekend before they continue to Nice on Monday.  I'm a bit jealous, especially since we didn't get to go this past summer (the strike, if you remember).  Maybe we'll go in the spring at some point, even if for a long weekend or half-week.  We don't have any plans yet for this weekend - I suspect they just want to hang out with the grandkids and eat some nice food.
• I started watching the BBC series "Ambassadors" - there are only three episodes so far but I hope they will make more!  Highly recommended!

The Harald Report: 6-7 Months

Harald is already 8 ½ months old so this report is well overdue. 

• Let's start with the figures: 6 months: 8,390 gr and 67 cm; 7 months: 8,680 gr and 66.5 cm (apparently shrunk when he came to Belgium...); 7 months & 3 weeks: 9,010 gr and 66.5 cm (hopefully he will have grown taller at the next check-up?!)
• At the six-month check-up in Sweden just before we moved to Belgium the doctor checked to see if Harald could move a block from one hand to the other, but he wasn't able to do it (it wasn't something we had practised) or didn't want to demonstrate it, but obviously the week after he was clearly doing it.  She also checked if he would look for something falling on the floor, and this I had seen him do at home, but at the doctor he just wanted to smile and "talk" to the doctor :)
• He learned how to sit around 5½ months old, not as early as 4 months and 3 weeks like his sister, but she was very early.  Here in Belgium the child health centre (called ONE) was impressed that he could sit at 7 months but isn't it quite normal to sit at that age?!
• Harald made his first attempts to crawl at 6+ months.  First he was pushing himself a little bit backwards and trying to get up on his knees. From 7 months onwards he has been pulling himself forwards and is also standing on his knees and "wagging". Sometimes it looks like he is doing push-ups as he gets up on her toes and pushes his bum in the air. At almost 8 months he started trying to combine the two into proper crawling.
• His nickname is sälen, the seal! :)

• He has two teeth that came up in our first few weeks here in early September. He bites me sometimes but he did that even before he got teeth and it's less and less lately.  However he does bite or nibble our shoulders when we carry him, which can really hurt if he doesn't only get the clothes.
• We started giving him solids properly at 6½ months when we moved here and gradually he started eating more and more. He still hasn't get how to drink from a bottle or a sippy cup and only chews on it, but somehow manages to drink some anyway. During the day he doesn't need to drink much (except a little bit of water) but sometimes when he's tired it would be useful if he'd drink some formula instead of having to fed with a spoon.

• He has continued to sleep through the night from around 21 to 6 or 7 in the morning and if he wakes earlier he goes back to sleep after a quick feed.   I remember that Isolde used to sleep through the night 21-05 but she would cry out in her sleep and more often have "restless" sleep (and still does today). He usually naps twice a day or more but only shortish naps. I think there is usually one longer session but it depends on what Peter and the kids are up to, whether they are at home and he sleeps in the crib, or whether they are out and about.  But he rarely sleep for three hours, more like one-two hours.
• Harald is almost always happy and content and he's very easy-going most of the time.  His sister can be quite rough with him at times but he mostly accepts it. He only whines, doesn't cry, when he's not content or wants something.

• He has a wonderful laugh, especially when we play baka liten kaka with him, or when his sister is tickling him or running around being the grazy girl she is.
• He has practised with the toddler wobbler since we moved here when he was almost 6½ months old but he hasn't really walked with it until recently.

• He is liking the bath tub more and more and since we moved here Harald and Isolde have taken quite a few baths together, but not every time, as Isolde likes to splash a bit too much for Harald's liking.
• He likes the swing at the playground but unfortunately there is just one playground which has baby swings around here (what's up with that, Belgium?).
• When we first arrived here Harald had a period of a week or two when he just wanted to sleep on his tummy and with his face down, not on the side.  I had to go and turn him around, as I thought it was a bit scary, but he turned back all the time. 

• He likes his friend in the mirror.  We should have probably kept the toy mirror, especially since he hasn't met so many other babies here yet, poor thing.
• I feel a bit bad that Harald hasn't had the chance to go to baby swim and baby rytmic classes but on the other hand he has a sister who is always entertaining him so I don't think he's bored.  I also realised we haven't read to him that much, mostly just Isolde's book when we read to her and he joins in, but now I try to read more age appropriate stuff for him.
• We changed from the pram bassinet to the seat at around 7 months, as he only wanted to sit up anyway. He was sleeping better in the bassinet but he didn't want to lie down anymore when he was awake.

• Harald's favourite toys are his sister toys, including her Duplo blocks, and a Lamaze octopus Isolde had when she was a baby.  Also, phones and remotes are so much fun too.  Otherwise he probably doesn't have any real favourite toy or blanket or cuddly toy either for that matter. 
• He can be very cuddly, more than I remember Isolde being at this age, especially since I started working and he's missed me all day.  He puts his little face against my neck and sniffs me.  But mostly he just wants food when I get home (as I breastfeed him morning and evening).

Friday Gallery: Still Life

Channal is Friday Gallery hostess for the month of November and for today she's chosen "still life" (stilleben).

As we're on a mini-break to England, I just have my phone at hand, but I actually found a really fitting picture. 

Have a nice weekend!